by Rodney » Wed Mar 23, 2011 5:10 pm
OK, everybody put down your MENSA mugs and listen up, because I’m only going to explain this once more (I’ll type slowly this time):
My opposition to vinyl has nothing to do with any temporary monetary inconvenience which might be suffered by the band. In fact, I’m sure that we’d actually make money selling vinyl (as well as action figures, lunch boxes, and purity rings), which I think makes my stance a little more principled.
I’m opposed to releasing the King on vinyl for the following reasons (previously expressed ad nauseum):
1) Vinyl is a highly volatile, antiquated medium. In Dandrew’s example above he, obviously failed to account for what would have happened if his records had been left in the sunlight and become warped (in the bad sense of the word). We can forgive him for this oversight as he is currently busy begetting an orchestra.
Now, If I’m attacked by Ninjas in a men’s room (which occurs more frequently than one would imagine) and my mp3 player should fall into the porcelain unmentionable during the struggle, not only can I pick another one (which will hold approximately 400 songs) for less than $20.
Also, being a grown-up, I regularly back up my mp3’s (along with all my other important data) onto CD’s, so I won’t be losing any songs.
To me, selling you vinyl when mp3’s & CD’s are available would be like an airline also offering Coast-to-Coast covered wagon service for people who “really want to see America the way it was meant to seen.” Which brings me to…
2) I can’t help but feel that I’d be participating in the propagation of a bromidic form of nostalgia. Please note that when I complain about moronic hipsters and musical elitists who engage in the collection of vinyl, that I do not mean you, gentle reader (in much the same way, as Fran Liebowitz recently pointed out, that when Toni Morrison said “You should write that novel”, she did not mean all of you). Please STOP responding to my posts on this subject with “Well, I like vinyl because…” and immediately seek the help of a reading comprehension coach. I am not implying that all vinyl collectors are hipsters and snobs. However, just as not every FOX News viewer is an inbred hillbilly, yet every inbred hillbilly watches (with one hand on the remote and the other hand engaged elsewhere) FOX News, so can we safely assume that while not every vinyl enthusiast is a hipster snobtard, every hipster snobtard has a stack of vinyl. I am not, as any Classicist, Philosopher, or Kick Boxer could tell you, using Platonic logic to imply that Nipper is a dog. Nipper is on the RCA logo. Ergo, Nipper is a hipster vinyl collector. [$10 says that someone replies to this post with “Well, I collect vinyl, and I’m not a hipster…” This is why I drink.]
And while we’re at it, don’t blame me because I let a bunch of wanktards ruin my appreciation of vinyl (not that I ever had one). Blame Postmodernism for imbuing everything from trailer homes to Converse All Stars with a sense of irony.
3) And now a word to all of you “collectors” who might be reading this – well, three words, actually: “Please, stop it.” I love books. I used to enjoy having my books signed by their authors. Then one day it occurred to me that all of my autographed books were now only books in the technical sense; I no longer loaned them out without caring whether or not they returned. They were now just things that sat on a shelf. I make music to be played, shared and lambasted by the critics. To me, music is a verb. Take it jogging with you. Play it (loudly) in your car. Dance to it. Have sex (loudly) to it. Comic books and baseball cards are for collecting, not – in my (loudly) humble opinion – music nor books.
In conclusion, please let me say that going to the movies might of occasionally been a rewarding, communal experience (the way people who lament the advent of DVD’s and Content on Demand claim it was), but mostly I remember the majority of my time in theaters was spent telling the people behind me to shut the Hell up.
I lived through the Dark Ages of vinyl, when dust scratches and drunken friends claimed one fifth of all Europe albums (including my beloved copy of “The Final Countdown”). Today I live in Buck Rogers (also my nom de porn) world wherein the songs I hear streaming from Destroy All Monsters (my favorite internet station) are just a mouse click away. I, for one, am never going back!
So, how do you like the new songs?